only if we run a train.
done.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize