i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize