Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it was like eating out sand paper
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
