Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
