I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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