i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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