if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
