i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
