you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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