party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
