I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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