the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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