Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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