i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
