thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
