really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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