Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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