Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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