it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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