i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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