Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize