I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
