The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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