my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
