remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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