Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
How does it feel to date your dad?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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