I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
