I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize