you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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