so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
