At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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