you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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