this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He did a backflip because drugs
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
