Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
