i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
