I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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