you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
