So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
