just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
