oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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