Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
