just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
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