I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize