I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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