If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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