One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
