Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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