Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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