Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize