god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
organizing the empties. That sober.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
