Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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