Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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