did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
