I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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