Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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