Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize