I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
