it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
