how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
