if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
birth control should be required to get into college
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
