considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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