I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
