Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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