I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
